Bike Lanes -What are they good for - Absolutely nothing - huh - Say it again...

An audio Chapter of The Dividing Line

ROB's RANT

The LINE has been Drawn, or better yet, Painted :)


The Bike Lane...the imaginary line that the liberals have built to divide the ordinary man from the people.  And before all of you start going nuts about me saying liberal, we are all liberals in our own right.  It's defined as: favorable to progress or reform, as in political or religious affairs.  And I want to add, life.  And who isn't that?  I am liberal, the Pope is liberal, Jesus was liberal...But it has to stop somewhere - the LINE has to be drawn.  When did the street, THE STREET, become a place that is now too small for me to drive my car?  When did it become proper for meter-maids to give me a $115 ticket because my right front tire was barely touching the outside of the bike lane because there was not enough room for me to park properly without my left tire going on the sidewalk?  What happened to just riding your bike, whether it be on the sidewalk or the street, like we all did as kids in whatever state you grew up in or whatever area you resided?  Now, I am not saying that it was the right way, but it was definitely better than this debacle. And what happened to bike-riders being afraid of cars?  They can crush bikes, right?  They are bigger..?   

Somehow, with all the crazy, but good gentrification of Brooklyn, there has invaded this element of the rite-to-biker.  That's correct, that's what I am going to call them, not the rite-to-lifers, the rite-to-bikers.  And they are worse - MUCH WORSE.  This insane cult has taken over all the neighborhoods of Brooklyn.  And I know they have invaded your neighborhoods, as well, but I live here, and can only comment on my constant annoyance.  I know they suck everywhere else, too.  I drive in Manhattan, Queens, the Bronx, and SI, but if I wrote about that, you'd be here forever.


And listen, I am not saying don't bike, don't get exercise, don't ride your 2-year-old chid on your baseboard as though you are living in Malaysia, what I am saying is PLEASE FOLLOW THE LAWS OF THE ROAD!  Yes, I know that's a crazy sentiment and a crazy notion or idea, but bike-riding- idiots, please follow the laws.  My nice, early 60-year old neighbor, was run over by one of you losers last year and broke her ribs, punctured a lung and put her in the hospital, all because she was trying to get breakfast across the street at the deli.  That was her fault, right?

The laws are there for a reason, and if we could just run red lights or make illegal turns to drive the wrong way down One Way streets or run people over, we freaking would, 100%, but we can't!  And it's probably a good thing that we can't because there wouldn't be enough space in the jails for all of us up here in NYC.  So let me ask you this, when did it become OK for bikers to have their own set of laws?  When did it become acceptable to ride on the STREETS of NY and tell the law to go F itself?  Now back in the 70's and 80's when I was growing up, we rode on the sidewalks and yes, rode in the streets and followed NO laws, but we didn't build bike lanes to define our boundaries. Now that YOU have done that, now that you have told society that, "yes, we are going to have our own space in the streets," there have to be rules and laws.  You have come into my neighborhood and all the other local indigenous Brooklynites - and I know some of you hate to hear that you really aren't from here, but it's the truth so get used to it - and built this lane, so you are now bound by the laws of the road.

And if you are not familiar with the laws, it is pretty much this:  drive the same way on a one way street.  RED MEANS STOP, GREEN MEANS GO.  Do not run over anyone.  Do not yell at people.  Do not ring your stupid bell incessantly.  Do not ride your two-month old in a basket hanging off your front handlebars, that's dangerous.  Make sure to make hand signals since you do not have functioning lights.  And, please, please, please, do not ever think you own the road.

  
MY ADVICE


As Rodney King said, "Can't we all just get along, mother-scratchers?"  Listen neither of us, Car Drivers and Bike Riders are going anywhere.  And we, as Car Drivers, were here first, but we are willing to share the road with you because we have no other Bleeping choice, so here's the deal - we will not run you over, we will not open our doors without looking to see if you delicate flowers are riding up without regard for anyone or anything, we will not lower our windows and give you a gentle nudge so you fly into a park car, we not cut you off because we can, we will not honk at you, we will not take a paint roller and secretly in the dark of night, roll black paint over the outside lane so you no longer have a bike lane, we will not steal your bikes, we will not pop your tires with a nail because that is soooo easy, and we will not contest you building bike lanes that are bigger than our car lanes.  But there is only one goddamn thing we ask of you - PLEASE, FOLLOW THE LAWS.  Thank you :)


Ayeesh!